Ames-1 Month

Photo credit:
Angi Carman Photography of Portland, OR
and The Tiny Footprints Project

My sweet tiny baby is transforming before our very eyes. He was one month old on Tuesday and it took me exactly that long to process what the heck was going on.

He is one amazing blessing. I have always heard that children change your life, but I never fully understood it until I became "mommy" to this tiny human. Experiencing the excitement related to his victories and milestones was unlike anything I've ever felt- and he doesn't even know how incredible they are yet. The day he went into a big boy crib was a day unlike any other, when he started to seriously want to breast feed- phenomenal, when he poops on a regular basis- ecstatic! And now, my little love, you are starting to take full feeds all by yourself. They talk about this hypothetical light bulb in relation to preemies and feedings. "You'll know when they have developed the suck, swallow, breath pattern better when their light bulb turns on." So naturally, since I'm an incredibly visual person, every time he drew milk, I looked for this hypothetical light bulb. I wanted so badly to see a literal switch turn on- no such luck. This guy drives the boat and he's not going to budge until he's good and ready. That's why, on his one month birthday, he took the most he had ever taken from breast feeding, tore out his feeding tube, and continued to increase his feed amount every day. This light bulb is turning on! Once he can eat on his own, our little guy is going home!

As of today, he's 32 days old and weighs 4lbs 11.8oz. He is attempting to breast feed or bottle feed around 60-70%(4-5 times a day) of his feedings and usually takes between 60-100% of the feeding. Once he can take three consecutive full feedings in a row, then his feeding tube comes out! Once he can eat 100% of his meals on his own- HE GOES HOME! The Nurse Practitioner is very optimistic that it'll be right around Christmas. One of my favorite things that he has recently started doing is massive grunting and squeaking. He is very active, even in his sleep. His arms goes all over the place, keeping him swaddled is nearly impossible. He kicks his feet around and becomes nearly uncovered by the end of each of his naps. 

We are getting so much closer and I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. Every day is a feeding accomplishment and I must say, it feels pretty darn good. 

This whole process has taught me a lot of things- the first being, patience. As I've stated in previous pregnant blog posts, I can be impatient. I like to be very efficient, I like black and white, yes or no, this way or that way answers. That's why it's so difficult for me to leave the fate of when my son is discharged in the hands of his biology and development schedule. What do you mean every preemie is different from the other? What do you mean you don't know exactly when he's going to start eating on his own? I would drive myself crazy with worrying about what I can be doing to help him eat on his own. What can I do to help him get stronger? Love him, hold him, support him, and the rest is up to him. Oy.

It's also taught me that it is just fine to express your emotions in hard times. Dang it, it sucks to stare at the same 4 walls for 12-18 hours a day. It's hard to not blame yourself for him having to go through a premature birth. It's hard not to be mad at a doctor for not catching something that they could have never seen coming. And it's hard to sit and wait, for weeks on end for the next milestone so that you can celebrate the small victories. I would make myself sick with guilt about the anger that I would feel from time to time. Until one day, I just verbalized it to Lance and that was all I needed. 

I've been incredibly humbled. You can't take a second of your life for granted, really truly. One minute you're laughing with your husband about the crazy situation you're in while quoting Jim Carey, about to cram into a hospital bed to sleep for the night....and the next you're world is upside down, you're bleeding uncontrollably and roughly one hour away from meeting your 10 week early son. At that moment you file in your brain everything and everyone that is and ever was important to you and you let them know every single second what they mean to you. Those people stand by your side during the craziest hours, even after making 3 trips up in the past 48 hours. They bring you meals, they let you sleep in their RV in the parking lot of the hospital because you're that crazy mom that doesn't want to be farther than a stones throw from their baby. They let you take showers every morning at their house because the RV can be a little cramped, they drive hours on end to come up and visit and bring you every thing you could ever imagine needing for your "breast health." They let you borrow their infant care seat carrier, they reassure you that those crazy emotions you're feeling are normal and they freakin suck. They cheer you on as you struggle with meeting the breast milk "quota" and they are okay with the fact that they have now seen your boobs more time than they can count. 

Probably one of the best things that this experience has taught me is that my husband is the best teammate I could have ever asked for. If there was ever someone who could validate my every emotion, hug me at just the right moment, and be the support system to keep me sane, it's this guy. Functioning on next to no sleep and he is putting together my breast pump parts post surgery and cheering me on for "one whole milliliter!!" He only partially winces when I ask him for a glass of water just after he sits down to relax. Holding me and being the strongest person I know during every melt down I've had. And being the best version of himself while he holds our tiny blessing. Swoon. Heart melting. We had a very strong marriage before this situation and this has only made it stronger. I am one incredibly blessed woman. I am forever grateful for the scariest time of my life and cannot wait to see where we go from here.

Photo Credit: My dear friend Rachel and her amazing husband Adrian