Hello from the Trenches

I'm exhausted- bear with me.

Mommy Guilt is a real thing and when it hits man, it hits with a vengeance.
My days are pretty much just mushed together these days, so my timeline is probably not accurate- but I'll do my best.

12 out of the last 7 nights have been spent soothing our newly cranky baby. They warned me in the NICU that as he reached his due date he was going to start "waking up." This essentially means that he is going to start acting like a newborn and no longer like a preemie. So basically, we have a 2 week old baby at home and I need to continually remind myself of that. He's almost 3 months old, but he was also 2 1/2 months early. Cue mommy guilt trip.

We had an idea of what to expect when coming into parenthood: crying, pooping, eating, sleeping, spitting up, cuddles, etc. But I find myself continually asking myself- well is that a baby thing? Should he be crying that much? Is it a preemie thing if it's not a baby thing? Will he grow out of it? Should I be doing something different? Should I be eating differently? Am I somehow upsetting his stomach? Shut up, man- not everything is about you. Maybe he just really does want to be cuddled 24/7 and who are you to deny him of that?

It's a guessing game. At the sign of the first cry I'm confident, calm, "don't worry buddy we are going to get you squared away."

Are you crying because your hungry? Lets give it a try- okay, we nurse for 5 minutes and then pull away screaming and arching your back like my nipple was made out of shards of glass...goodness.

Alright, so you must need to be burped. Lets give that a try- so we burp and you scream bloody murder into my ear while tearing at my face with your tiny finger nails. By the end of this endeavor I look like I got the crap kicked out of me by a cat.

Still crying? Okay, lets check that diaper- a little wet, nothing to FREAK OUT ABOUT...but lets give it a try. No? Still not quite what you want?

Alright....I'm going to swaddle the crap out of you which, like diaper changes, is quite similar to wrangling a wild animal twice my size and with kitty claws.

Still not quite what you had in mind? Alright...lets walk and bounce and sway and do stair laps and pray and cry together and do some squats, twists, SHOOOOOOSH in your ear, sing, bargain. By this point my confidence has dwindled.

Oh, you're getting drowsy? Yes! This is great, because now it's 2am and you're going to be ready to eat again in like an hour so I can get a solid 45 minutes in!

Oh wait, you're hungry now? Okay, cool. Let's do that.
And the cycle begins again.

In the NICU all I wanted was to bring him home, I longed for him to keep me up at night because it felt like that would be my baby growing up and growing out of the "preemie" phase. And now I'm complaining about it? I can't be too hard on myself because parenthood is hard, any parent has and will tell you that. But you can't help but feel a little guilty complaining sometimes.

There are days that I envy Lance as he leaves for work. Why? I know he would love to spend all day with him. I get to spend all day in my sweatpants with our beautiful son. But caring for a newborn is like juggling 8 different things and all of those things are on fire and crying......But he's so perfect! He's so cute and is growing so quickly and developing before my very eyes. How lucky am I to witness it through puffy sleep deprived eyes, while drinking my now freezing cold coffee.


Ohhh being a mommy. To all the other mommies out there going through the same back and forth guilt trip...Hello from the trenches. Hang in there, we'll get through it.

Your Due Date

Today is your due date and if things had gone differently, chances are I would be sitting in a delivery room, feet in stirrups, yelling at your dad to "warm up the ice chips so that they are water, dammit", pushing violently as we eagerly await your arrival.

I would likely be begging you to make your appearance due to extreme discomfort.

Your grandparents would be so eager to see what you were going to look like and longing to hold you.

Daddy would still be pacing your bedroom making sure everything was just right. He would be mulling over all of the things we do have and the things that we still need, making multiple trips out to make sure that everything was just right.

And all of your aunts would be running each other down to fight for who gets to see you in the hospital first (Aunt Lu throughs 'bows so it's probably best it didn't come to this).

You would of shared a birthday with your Aunt Jenny (she was totally willing to share, honey- you didn't have to take one for the team there- she was game)

But more than anything, your daddy and I would just be getting to know you. We wouldn't have had the opportunity to watch you grow and surpass your birth weight by almost two and a half times in the past 10 weeks.

We wouldn't have had the opportunity to see how unbelievably strong you are and how much of a little spit fire you might come to be.

We wouldn't have had the chance to hold you and comfort you while you were crying, to laugh at the insanely loud farts that you are able to spout off  and we wouldn't have had the opportunity to have you sleep on our chest for hours on end.

We wouldn't be sleep deprived and caffeine dependent...just yet.

We would just be meeting you- seeing you for the first time. We would be experiencing our "birth plan" that we never got a chance to fulfill. 

If all of those things had gone according to "plan" then I may have been a different mommy- I would have read one too many sleep training and eating books that you might be really annoyed at my paranoia. 

Instead, I'm paranoid about other things, like germs. I swear I see them everywhere- I change my clothes after going to the grocery store. Go ahead and roll your eyes along side your father, your mom can be a little crazy sometimes- it's all in your best interest :) 

Instead of our "birth plan" we were given the opportunity to watch you continue to "cook", if you will, from the rocking chair of the NICU. We were given some in depth insight on your nursing needs. I now understand way too many acronyms; CC's, CPAP, NICU, BP, Brady, "episode", NG Tube, HCT, HMF, NPO, PNP, RA, ROP, RSV, etc.

Your father and I were brought together in a way that I never could have imagined. He's seen me at the lowest of lows, through my frustrations, fears, and the happiest I've ever been. We were given the opportunity to learn more about each other than we ever thought possible. Ultimately giving us the tools to be the best team and parents possible. 

The saying "it takes a village" was given a brand new meaning. You brought our family together in a way that can never be explained. Prayers, gifts, kind words, sacrifices, all made by our family and friends to make sure that we were taken care of so in turn we could care for you. 

The scariest time of our life turned into the biggest life lesson and growth opportunity for your father and I. We see life in a whole new light. I'm sure if I was given the opportunity to keep you in my tummy until today we would have a entirely new outlook on life as well. That being said, our story is all that we know and I'm thankful for every stressful day, because they have lead us here. 

Here we are, exactly 10 weeks old, on your due date- what love we have for you our sweet boy.

Ames Wilde Armstrong

November, 9th 2014

3lbs 4oz

16in in length

11.5in head circumference

On the CPAP for 2 days

Attempted your first bottle on November 28th- 19 days old

Receiving food by feeding tube for 36 days 

Feeding tube came out on December 16th

Discharged from the NICU December 19th- weighing 5lbs 1oz

Ames Wilde Armstrong

January, 18th 2015

7lbs exactly

18.75in in length

13.5in head circumference

Home for 4 weeks and 2 days

Exclusively breastfeeding

Able to hold your head up at times and lift your head during tummy time

World's Best Cuddler

Responding to noises during awake time

Starting to smile at your surroundings

Happy Due Date, sweet boy. Mommy and Daddy love you so so much

Sleep, Poop, Eat, Repeat

Well, Ames has been home for two weeks now and this picture essentially sums up how they have gone. Ames is wide awake at the wee hours of the morning (not always quite so happy) and one of us is passed out in various, strange positions (Lance is face down in the couch cushion, snoring- just to give you the full effect). 

These past two weeks have been phenomenal. I wasn't sure how we would do being detached from the monitors and without the comfort of having nurses and doctors within reach 24/7- but everything has gone very well. He has gained over a pound since being home, he's up to 6lbs 3oz and is now exclusively breastfeeding. He loves tummy time and has been much more awake and interactive the past couple days. He spends a lot of time exploring the world, smiling, and making his infamous blue steel face.

Sage came home the day after Christmas and she is pretty darn incredible. If he cries and she's upstairs, she runs downstairs to check everything out and once she realizes that we are taking care of it, she quickly exits the room to get away from the crying (take me with you?) We have been working on establishing a schedule for eating/sleeping and it's going pretty well. The grunting at night has decreased DRAMATICALLY. He is now sleeping around 2-3 hours before he cries to wake us up to eat. 

Our lactation nurse has been amazing through all of this and she said something to me the other day that I didn't realize I needed to hear; "For lack of a better word, you have a normal baby, honey."  

After holding my little guy and having him attached to a 4 foot beeping leash for 6 weeks, it was nice to hear that even without counting every milliliter he's consuming, or without knowing exactly what his heart rate at all times, he's growing and thriving. We have a "normal" well baby who cries when he wants to eat, eats what he wants, poops all the time, and is just working on his catch up growth. Thank you, Betty- that helped this mommy a lot. 

They always say to never stop learning and as a parent you are learning something new every day. Whether it's about yourself, your baby, your priorities, you name it- every day is something new.

Some of my favorite things thus far have been:

• Getting used to only having one arm. This is not negotiable. Survival mode means you are holding the baby with one arm, washing the god forsaken nipple shield with the other, picking up dropped items (kitchen towels, sponges, blankets, etc) off the floor with your foot, in hopes that if you kick it up high enough you can catch it with your neck...And just when you think you have your little bundle settled down enough to where he will finally latch rather than sit there and scream with it in his mouth, your dog starts heaving on your brand new living room carpet. Now baby is semi attached and being held in one arm and you're desperately trying to coax your dog outside...too late. Screw it. 
• Breastfeeding is hard. Pre-baby I thought that breastfeeding was this natural, unspoken rule that all parties (mom and baby) understood and just did. Now I know it's a little different with a preemie, but more than that, he's just impatient. If he doesn't taste results in seconds well then, "forget this mom, I'm done." Cue arm flailing, nipple shield flying, alligator tears (not always just from Ames..) and bargaining out of desperation, "I'll do your laundry until you're 18", "you can have our old car when you turn 16", "your first food can be a french fry?" When this doesn't work it then turns into demanding "son, this is your mother speaking, if you don't chill out and eat then..." and you realize you've got nothing to punish an 8 week old with. Back to bargaining you go...  
• Sleeping, Showering, and Style are things of the past. I haven't gotten more than a 3 hour stretch of sleep in the past 3 weeks. Lance tried to microwave his lunch in the fridge and I tried to unlock it with our car key FOB. That's true sleep deprivation. Showering involves only the necessities; scrub your body...shaving and hair washing can wait. And the only thing I want to wear are yoga pants because they don't squeeze my newly discovered hips covered in my pregnancy layer of fun. 
• Finally, I can easily waste an entire day cuddling Ames on the couch and not think twice about it. When we got home I thought of all of the house projects, laundry, and cleaning I could get done while he sleeps. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. When he falls asleep on my chest after burping you bet I'm going to sit tight for a bit and soak in all of the cuddles I can from this guy. That being said, reference my first lesson- I have gotten quite good at house chores with only one arm.

I have to say, going back to work is going to be incredibly difficult. I'm still working on getting paid just because I'm awesome. Stay tuned...